it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
