I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
