There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
