I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
