did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
