Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
