i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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