I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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