News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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