So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
