Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize