i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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