Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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