So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
