she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
