rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I deserve this hangover.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
