Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
