and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
