So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
