There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize