I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
