I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
