i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
