I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
