oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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