i think i have two assholes
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
