I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
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