I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
