Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
