My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
