Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
