At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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