I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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