first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
