So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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