I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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