Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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