finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
