Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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