So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
