My friends, they love my intelligence
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
