You can't special order awesome
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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