evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dick very happy bro
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
