my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You pole danced in your parka.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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