I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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