I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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