Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
