Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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