Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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