Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize