I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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