You're a womanizer and a bitch.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize