I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
