i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
