HIV tests are more positive than that guy
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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