I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
