you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
