the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize