9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
