and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
