I think I won the penis lottery.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
