She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
