when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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